Mind the gap: discussing the motherhood career pause

Are you a) warm or b) competent? Pick one

Happy new year, all!

I thought I would start 2024 with a topic that I’ve been wanting to write about for a while, but have put off because I have found it such a tricky subject to broach. It’s about the child-raising career gap, how it’s perceived by others, and how it feels to be in one, as I am currently.

In July last year, when we moved out of London for the countryside, I left my full-time editor job at Mr & Mrs Smith and, although I would never use the term myself, became a SAHM, the online acronym for “stay-at-home mom”.

Even as I wrote those words, I cringed a little bit. But why do I feel so embarrassed? Perhaps because, in just one generation, the idea of a ‘housewife’ has gone from norm to fringe, from socially acceptable to socially stigmatised. I have no idea what to say now when someone asks me what I do, except to make vague apologies, mumble a joke about being retired, or sincerely promise that this is a temporary blip and I do plan to go back to work ASAP.

For some reason, I don’t mind telling men that I’m not working right now, it’s female judgment I fear. I anticipate withering looks from working mothers, as they picture me either 1) in fluffy slippers posting memes that say “This mom runs on Coffee, Wine and Amazon Prime” or 2) as a nannied-to-the-hilt lady-who-lunches.

Around the time I left my job, my anxiety about losing my job title and extrinsic social value was compounded by an online debate that was raging about the malign influence of ‘tradwives’ and, in particular, about an influencer called Hannah Neeleman aka Ballerina Farm. Suddenly, lots of women I followed and respected (like Pandora Sykes and Bella Mackie) were chiming in to say they found women who didn’t work “creepy”, “sinister” and “backwards”. NYMag’s The Cut was calling tradwives "dangerous and stupid”.

Of course, in my head I knew all this was in reference to women online that proselytise for a traditional lifestyle, and who genuinely believe that a return to 1950s gender politics is better for raising children. Needless to say, I don’t believe these things. But, being so unsure of my new status as a non-earning woman, I felt a bit attacked, too.

Was I a handmaiden for the patriarchy? Can a woman claim to be ambitious if she willingly takes a career break to raise children? Would anyone take me seriously ever again?

There have been a few discoveries that have helped me assuage these fears. The first has been an American website called Mother Untitled, a platform entirely devoted to ‘updating the perception of stay-at-home motherhood.’ It was started by a Stanford MBA graduate called Neha Ruch who ‘decided to downshift and then pause her career to focus full-time on parenting—and soon after came face-to-face with outdated societal perceptions of “stay-at-home moms” and noticed a lack of community—and media representation—for ambitious women on career breaks.’

Just knowing that there’s an enormous cohort of other women struggling with the same doubts, trying to answer the same questions from the outside world (‘so, what do you do all day?’), and thinking about how to negotiate the next phase of their careers is really reassuring. Obviously, when you leave the workplace, you lose a community, so it’s nice to know that this one exists. There’s even an article on how to answer when someone asks you what you do. Note to self: keep it brief, no need to overcompensate, don’t make jokes about fembots.

LinkedIn also recently added the option to have ‘parent’ as a job title. Which seems like a good step forward. Although, hilariously, I then came across this Forbes article written by a woman which advises women not to use the new feature as, ‘those who stay home with children are likely warm, so therefore, cannot be competent.’ FFS.

Well, now that it’s been six months in the wilderness, my field notes include:

1. Fears about atrophying of brain matter were largely unfounded.

2. Can still, on good days, form a complete sentence!

3. Haven’t attended a single ladies lunch (ladies, hmu).

It hasn’t always been possible to silence that inner critic that says I should be driving forward, seizing the day, or side hustling harder. And, yes, I do yearn for coworkers with more extensive vocabularies than “car, cheese, banana.” I sometimes spend an hour poring over job listings on LinkedIn – at nearly six months pregnant, I would make an interesting interview candidate.

But here I am, leaning into this pause. Ready to talk about it, write about it, and increasingly finding so much joy in it.

I may not know what month, what year, or in what role exactly, but I do know that, *assumes Arnold voice and dons Terminator shades*, I’ll be back.

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The things:

Clockwise from top left:

1. This beautiful indoor planter from Tooka for brightening up January rooms. And watch this video for how to create a simple winter orchid arrangement.

2. Chanel Les Beiges Water Tint. The perfect, light coverage foundation that comes with a dinky little brush.

3. Melissa Wood Health walking meditations. Yep, have gone unashamedly woo woo for Jan.

4. Restocking stationery, starting with this adorable set from Crane for sending thank you notes “from” a two-year-old.

5. Lululemon Align leggings. AKA the pregnancy leggings. IYKYK.

6. Atomic Habits by James Clear. For that extra bit of new year motivation.

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The thinker:

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Thank you so much for reading The Thursday Three!! xx