My dearest friends and readers,
I have sat down to write this post many times over the last 5 months, physically or mentally, and every time something new has come up: desperately needed rest (countless), an unexpected emergency room visit (at least 5, 1 at least for each of us), family deaths (2), or another cross-country move (4 and counting).
Everyone in my little family unit is okay and healing but we have all been confronted with the presence of death and heartbreak and the crush of the days and months of the processing, packing, storing, working, reimagining piling on top of us. We have mourned deep into our bones and understood the meaning of gnashing teeth. I’ve cried so hard that my eyes have temporarily swollen shut. I have said goodbye to my beloved sunny desert and come back to the land of cold soul-sucking grey skies.
At times, it has felt like a cosmic joke that I wasn’t in on. I even allowed myself to think I might be cursed. What had we done to “deserve” all of this hardship compressed into such a small amount of time. What stupid decisions had brought us here? Weren’t we good little spiritual beings trying to follow the paths of our souls’ journey together? What had all of our meditations and manifestations and vision boards wrought but disappointment and self-mistrust? I have thought everyday of how to make sense of it, as each holiday or milestone passed me feeling sick with grief, physical ailments, and dashed dreams, grappling with the relentless absurdity of it all.
Last night, for the first time in what has felt like a decade, I read a book in the bath. For months, I have been bludgeoning myself with a mind-numbing mix of comfort tv and color sorting games. I was finally able to look out at the snow falling on the icy creek and fragrant pines near my brother-in-law’s home in Michigan to feel what our animal communicator dubbed the “great unfurling.” I had begun to feel at home again in my surroundings and myself. I finally had the quiet and expansiveness I had been yearning for to sit down and write something coherent to you all.
And what I’ve learned from contemplating the “worst year of my life” (thus far, knock on wood) is the importance of connection.
Here are 5 things that have saved me and my sanity and kept the pilot light of my spiritual soul lit, things that I realized I have gathered around myself since the last time I experienced this much trauma:
Connection to the earth - When I have time, I always find it valuable to ground myself into the earth, to thank the Mother for all she provides and protects, for the living creatures that surround me. Everywhere I live, I feed the birds and I will tell you that seeing them flit about is one of the best ways to wake up to the day. I have also introduced a new ritual of calling upon the earth to cradle me and slough my grief away so that I can sleep at night.
Connection to my body - Movement is key! Feeding “two birds with one scone” is a walk through nature for exercise and communing with the land. Pure joy is dancing with dear friends. A hot bath and hot tea are always a miracle salve. All of these things heal me by bringing me back to my body and to the present moment.
Connection to my support network - I have no less than a therapist, healer, oracle, and animal communicator on the more “woo” side of things, an incredible partner, far-flung friends, supportive family, and my kitty familiar. I also have my spirit guides and beings that I call upon regularly for help. Reaching out when I have been in distress has yielded love beyond my expectations. Sending out little notes of care has mirrored and magnified that care right back to me.
Connection to art - The joy of a well-told story or cathartic journal entry, the beauty of a painting or sculpture, admiring the light through the sheer cloth of an artist model, communing with nature or other humans to create something new show me that I can create what I see missing in the world. I have a hand in making my world more beautiful. Art brings color to my life when it seems endlessly gray, it shows movement when everything feels 2-D, it is a sacred channel beyond our world.
Connection to my self and soul - I acknowledge - as my favorite celebrity medium Kim Russo says - “I am a spiritual being having a human experience” that I am not immune to human suffering, I am part of the experience of change, my life will have high highs and low lows. Even on an “enlightened path,” I am not protected from heartbreak. This is something I can try to fight or reason away or I can embrace it’s thorniness and learn from it.
There are so many other things that I want to write to you about my spiritual journal over the last several months and they’ve felt dammed up inside me. I hope this post casts a spell for more frequent, simplified but eloquent posts to come!
Thank you for reading <3.
I feel so much of this so deeply in my soul. Some events are similar. And some are different. But I feel that soul crushing too. And I turn towards very similar healing tactics. So this post really touches me. I’m not alone in this journey. And you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing this with us. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this! It sounds like an incredible amount of grief on multiple levels has been felt and processed and comforted. I’m grateful for your wealth of support and how you’ve found connection and grounding in the midst of it all.