Fern: God, I’d kill to be on that jury.
Joe: With an opening like that, I believe you’d be banned from serving on any jury for the rest of your life. I know what you’re talking about. Perhaps passion inflames your usually sound judgment.
Fern: I served on a jury once. I don’t know – over twenty years ago. I really wanted to get on. But I didn’t think I would be picked.
Joe: Why didn’t you think you’d be picked? Those lawyers didn’t even know you.
Fern: Very funny. I thought maybe I wouldn’t be picked because I have a New York accent. Or because I told them I was a writer and a university professor. That makes some people suspicious. You know, like I was looking for material.
It was a drunken driving case. Turns out that I was the only person interviewed who claimed I never drove drunk. I mean, not claimed: I never did drive drunk. Everyone else apparently had. Old ladies. Farmers. Real-estate agents. I was surprised at that. Did you ever drive drunk?
Joe: I was young once. And stupid. And lucky.
Fern: I thought it would be interesting to be on a jury. I’m in for new experiences -- as long is it doesn’t involve physical danger. Ultimately, we let the guy off even though most of us were pretty sure he was inebriated. The reason we didn’t convict was because he said he had a back injury from the accident; the police called an ambulance to the scene. No one did a sobriety test. We jurists discussed the case quite seriously. I was proud of the system. Being on a jury made me feel patriotic.
You’ve been called to jury duty next week. Are you looking forward to it?
Joe: Not really. I don’t mind serving again, but after my first taste of jury duty I have to admit that I don’t understand how judges can stand it. It was so bo-o-oring.
Fern: Boring? What do you mean boring? You were on the jury of a rape case.
Joe: That’s right, and I learned two very important things. One was that having to pay attention to every little detail was extremely tedious—even in a rape case. Lawyers repeat everything, everything, and they ask the same questions over and over as different witnesses take the stand.
Fern: So why didn’t you just close your eyes the way Trump does and take a little nap?
Joe: I could have, especially after the lunch break, but I wouldn’t. And that’s because of the feeling of responsibility I had. A young man’s life was in my hands, mine and the jury’s. Getting to know my fellow jurors over the two weeks of that trial, I discovered that people from all walks of life and orientation—gender, skin color, class, level of education and politics—all of us seemed to feel that same sense of responsibility, and it lifted us up together. We rose together. We sounded smarter, fairer, more decent than I ever would have guessed from just looking at us filing into the jury stand that first day. That was the second thing I learned, something I was pretty skeptical about before the trial: the jury system works.
Fern: Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman might disagree.
Still, I would love to be on the Trump jury in New York now. I said I would kill to get on. You know I didn’t really mean that.
Joe: But you would probably lie to get on this jury, yes?
Fern: I would. Could you be impartial?
Joe: I can’t stand Trump, but yes, I think I could.
Fern: Probably you could. But I’m the one who actually wants to hear both sides. I listen to NPR at home and conservative talk-shows when I go somewhere and I’m alone in the car.
Joe: I know. When I drive your car, I can’t change channels fast enough.
Fern: So the other day, I’m listening to 1040, and it’s Buck or Travis somebody talking about picking a jury for the Trump trial in New York. One of the questions the lawyers asked the potential jurists is: “Where do you get news?” And someone answered: “MSNBC and Fox.” So Buck or Travis says: “Well, that’s an outright lie, nobody watches both MSNBC and Fox. “
Joe: But you do. So did you call in?
Fern: No. I was just yelling at them in the car.
But that’s what I’m saying. I listen to both sides. So maybe I could be unbiased.
Joe: I don’t think so.
Fern: They complained that Trump couldn’t get a fair trial in New York because he got less than twenty percent of the vote in that city.
Joe: Well, yes. New York voters are big city liberals, not the salt-of-the-earth regular people who were on your jury twenty years ago in Iowa.
Fern: Exactly. But what does it tell you about Trump? Running for president in his very own state and he was roundly romped. I think he lost all five boroughs getting less than a fourth of the vote.
In Manhattan it was less. Everyone in the Big Apple knew that this home-boy was a sleaze-bag, a crooked businessman, a lying braggart and a womanizer.
Stormy Daniels isn’t lying. And she wasn’t playing the victim either. Lots of women find themselves in compromising positions and think, “Ok, let’s just get this over with.”
The specifics of the pajamas he was wearing, the shape of his penis, the cheap stuff in his dopp kit -- it rings true because everything she said was so very specific.
It is particularly creepy that he compared Stormy Daniels to his daughter.
Joe: This is a trial about whether or not Trump intentionally falsified business documents in order to influence the 2016 election. We’ll know more after Michael Cohen testifies. But are all the salacious details really necessary to prove the case?
Fern: Maybe not. Yet I don’t recall anyone asking that question when newscasters were talking about presidential semen on a blue dress. Or what Bill Clinton actually did with that cigar.
Joe: So you think you could still have served impartially on the jury?
Fern: No. I would have had to lie to get on.
Joe: Bigly.
Columnists - Iowa Writers’ Collaborative
Nicole Baart: This Stays Here, Sioux Center
Ray Young Bear: From Red Earth Drive, Meskwaki Settlement
Laura Belin: Iowa Politics with Laura Belin, Windsor Heights
Tory Brecht: Brecht’s Beat, Quad Cities
Dartanyan Brown, My Integrated Life, Des Moines
Doug Burns: The Iowa Mercury, Carroll
Jane Burns: The Crossover, Des Moines
Dave Busiek: Dave Busiek on Media, Des Moines
Iowa Writers’ Collaborative, Roundup
Steph Copley: It Was Never a Dress, Johnston
Art Cullen: Art Cullen’s Notebook, Storm Lake
Suzanna de Baca: Dispatches from the Heartland, Huxley
Debra Engle: A Whole New World, Madison County
Arnold Garson: Second Thoughts, Okoboji and Sioux Falls
Julie Gammack: Julie Gammack’s Iowa Potluck, Des Moines and Okoboji
Joe Geha: Fern and Joe, Ames
Jody Gifford: Benign Inspiration, West Des Moines
Rob Gray: Rob Gray’s Area, Ankeny
Nik Heftman: The Seven Times, Los Angeles and Iowa
Beth Hoffman: In the Dirt, Lovilia
Chris Jones, Chris’s Substack, Des Moines
Pat Kinney: View from Cedar Valley, Waterloo
Fern Kupfer: Fern and Joe, Ames
Robert Leonard: Deep Midwest: Politics and Culture, Bussey
Letters from Iowans, Iowa
Darcy Maulsby: Keepin’ It Rural, Calhoun County
Tar Macias: Hola Iowa, Iowa
Alison McGaughey, The Inquisitive Quad Citizen, Quad Cities
Kurt Meyer: Showing Up, St. Ansgar
Vicki Minor, Relatively Minor, Winterset
Wini Moranville: Wini’s Food Stories, Des Moines
Jeff Morrison: Between Two Rivers, Cedar Rapids
Kyle Munson: Kyle Munson’s Main Street, Des Moines
Jane Nguyen: The Asian Iowan, West Des Moines
John Naughton: My Life, in Color, Des Moines
Chuck Offenburger: Iowa Boy Chuck Offenburger, Jefferson and Des Moines
Barry Piatt: Piatt on Politics Behind the Curtain, Washington, D.C.
Dave Price: Dave Price’s Perspective, Des Moines
Macey Shofroth: The Midwest Creative, Norwalk
Larry Stone: Listening to the Land, Elkader
Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Buggy Land, Kalona
Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Emerging Voices, Kalona
Cheryl Tevis: Unfinished Business, Boone County
Ed Tibbetts: Along the Mississippi, Davenport
Kali White VanBaale, 988: Mental Healthcare in Iowa, Bondurant
Teresa Zilk: Talking Good, Des Moines
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opinions on topics
As I believe I heard from a lawyer discussing the case, it became important to get into the salacious details because Trump has denied it happened. The jury needed to know in spades that it did happen and the details became significant in the proof.
I’m with you, Fern. I would kill to be on that jury.