OMGoggles
And you may ask yourself, "well, how did I get here?"
The thought
I went back to work last week. In an actual office. So, I’ve had that excruciating first-week awkwardness of not knowing where the loo is, or where the bin is, or what to do with my hands.
The last day I worked in an office was 23 March 2020, when Boris Johnson announced the UK was going into lockdown. I remember everyone in my team at Mr and Mrs Smith just looked at each other, and said “right, this is actually happening”, and picked up our stuff and shuffled home. It never even crossed our minds that we would never be coming back.
In March 2020, my last name was ‘Hall’, I lived in an attic flat in London that was too small for a kitchen table, and I certainly didn’t have any pesky children.
So, working in an office again - this time with a train commute from the ‘burbs, a last name no-one can pronounce, and a picture of two little boys on my phone background - I feel like David Byrne in that Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime. Five years seem to have passed in a big whoosh and I’m disoriented and awe-struck at the same time.
Do you have these Talking Heads moments sometimes? I never get them when you’re supposed to get them, like at the altar. I find they’re much sneakier and attached to seemingly insignificant things.
For instance, I had to buy goggles for Rory the other day. I was all verklempt taking them out of the plastic because I know that, soon, he’s going to need school uniforms and sports equipment and it’s all happening too fast.
It reminded me of the Friends episode where they all turn 30 and Joey says, “Why, God, why? We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!”
But, anyway, here I am. A person who takes copious notes about the pension plan during her HR induction. A person who owns car windscreen de-icing spray. A person with a child that needs GOGGLES. Time comes for us all.
In my new job, we had Farrah Storr come into the office this week, who is the head of Substack for the UK. As she spoke to us about what a nice, sane, ad-free platform it is, I started to really miss writing to you guys on here. I love rambling on to this tiny group of nice people who gave me their email address (most of whom I’m related to), so I thought I would start up again.
Also, I wanted to say, please ignore any requests for money that come from this Substack. Save your pennies because it’s all free - I’m genuinely grateful that anyone reads this at all - and you never need to pay a subscription. I can’t control how Substack sometimes ask you to pay for it, but rest assured it’s not coming from me.
The Thing
I have never been a self-tanner. The mitts, the staining, the streakiness - it’s too intimidating! All the marketing around self-tanner says ‘fool-proof’ but I think that just reinforces that it’s actually quite the opposite.
But, I know how much a hint of colour can do for my confidence, so I have started using Tan-Luxe The Body Self-Tan Drops that you just add to your normal body moisturiser. Two thumbs up from this fool.
The Thinker
One of my favourite writers, Craig Brown, is back with A Voyage Around the Queen. I’m going to borrow India Knight’s blurb here, “You wouldn’t think the world needed another book about Queen Elizabeth, but how wrong you’d be. Craig Brown’s wholly original and enthralling biography is absolute heaven from start to finish.”
One chapter is a mimicry guide so you can learn to speak like the Queen. Some examples:
Preps: Possibly
Sed: Unhappy
Trevel: To go from one place to another
Vair: To a high degree. ‘Hair vair yin tresting’
Ware Flafe: Accustomed pattern of behaviour. ‘The jungle fake run around with nothing awn. It’s their ware flafe’
Thank you VAIR much for reading The Thursday Three! xxx
Always makes me smile. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Love it!!