Donald Trump vs. The Autopen: A Conspiracy Too Stupid to Fail

Trump Declares Biden's Pardons 'Void' in Latest Battle Against Reality

The man who once claimed he could declassify documents with the power of his mind is now attempting to void presidential pardons with that same mysterious mental muscle — this time arguing that Joe Biden’s use of an autopen renders them null and void.

On Monday, Donald Trump took to his social media platform to declare that Biden’s preemptive pardons for members of the January 6 committee, Anthony Fauci, and Mark Milley were “VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT.” His reason? They were signed with an autopen, a device that mechanically reproduces signatures. According to Trump’s asinine theory, if Biden didn’t personally scribble his name on the document — or wasn’t fully aware of the autopen's activities like a sentient AI out of a bad sci-fi movie — the pardons are worthless.

“The ‘Pardons; that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen,” Trump ranted online.

“In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them!”

Trump’s allies at the Heritage Foundation, a pro-Trump think tank, had conveniently released a report questioning Biden’s use of the autopen — a device that’s been in service since Truman’s administration. For those unfamiliar, an autopen is essentially a fancy robot arm that recreates a signature. It’s the bureaucratic equivalent of cloning your cat’s paw print so you don’t have to keep pressing its foot into ink.

The Smithsonian notes that Thomas Jefferson himself used a similar device called a polygraph, a mechanical twin-pen system that copied his handwriting in real time. Gerald Ford was the first president to openly acknowledge using an autopen, and Barack Obama famously deployed one in 2011 to sign a crucial piece of legislation while vacationing in Hawaii. In short, the autopen isn’t some newfangled sorcery Biden’s handlers invented — it’s been standard procedure for decades.

More importantly, Trump’s legal theory is about as airtight as a screen door on a submarine. In 1929, the Justice Department ruled that it’s up to the president how they choose to sign documents — pen, pencil, quill, or presumably even ketchup if they felt inclined. Last year, a federal appeals court reaffirmed that presidential pardons don’t even need to be written down.

But Trump, never one to let facts stand in the way of a tantrum, isn’t done. He doubled down aboard Air Force One, telling reporters that Biden’s pardons were “null and void” because “somebody was using an autopen... and Joe didn’t know anything about it.” The man who once claimed he alone could fix it is now convinced that Biden’s presidency is being secretly puppeteered by a rogue ballpoint machine.

Unsurprisingly, those targeted by Trump’s vengeance tour had little patience for the nonsense. Former January 6 committee chair Bennie Thompson called Trump’s rant “a midnight meltdown that has no basis in reality.” Adam Kinzinger, a former Republican congressman and member of the committee, practically begged Trump to follow through on his threats:

“Please! You guys have been threatening this forever! Bring it on, it’s getting boring waiting.”

The pardons in question were issued on Biden’s final day in office, covering individuals Trump has obsessively targeted. Among the recipients were Fauci, who Trump once implied belonged in prison, and Milley, the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff who openly called Trump “a fascist to the core.” Both men have been demonized by Trump’s loyalists as part of his increasingly surreal revenge campaign.

The irony here, of course, is that Trump’s own administration used the autopen extensively. Trump’s sudden discovery that the device is apparently a criminal mastermind with opposable thumbs seems less like a legal argument and more like the latest chapter in his ongoing effort to keep the grievance train chugging down the tracks.

The question now isn’t whether Trump’s legal theory has merit — it doesn’t — but how far he’ll go to convince his base that Biden’s autopen was an unholy machine churning out pardons in the dead of night like some bureaucratic Frankenstein’s monster.

The truth, as always with Trump, is simpler and stupider: the man’s still mad, still desperate, and still convinced that if he shouts his absurdities loud enough, the world will start to believe him.

At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before he declares the autopen was rigging elections too — probably while claiming he can telepathically erase voter rolls with his mind.

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