I still water my plants when I'm depressed
and the tough reality of having a mood dependent body
I could start this letter by saying I’m sorry for being absent for so long. But, if I dig deep into my big feels about writing in general, it’s a thing that happens whenever I am called to. So, I’m not as sorry as I’m more accepting that some weeks will be writing weeks and some will not. You hear that? It’s about 70 pounds of weight being removed from my shoulders. It feels good.
The corners of my brain and heart these past few weeks have been in ruminating mode. There’s some anxiety making itself at home and it’s been especially “awake” at the wee hours of the night. It’s been years since I was diagnosed with Hashimotos and PTSD. So, depression, lethargy, and anxiety are things I have strapped into my body like a backpack. But, more recently the acronyms PMDD and AUDHD entered my life. If you’re asking yourself how I get myself to do things every day the answer is I don’t. I try! But, every day is a 30/70 chance that I’ll complete my entire to-do list. It took about 6 months worth of logging my mood and productivity every single day so I could see on paper that my body has a different internal clock than most people.
My highs are very high, almost manic-like. I am very productive in my work and I not only do everything on my checklist, but I also find the time and energy to tend to personal tasks. The bookmark that fell behind my bed three weeks ago? Oh, I suddenly want to pick it up. Productivity is bursting out of me and my mood is mostly good! But, the lows. Oh, the lows. Wrapping my head around the lows has been a life-long mission. Because when you live inside a body that is mood-dependent, there’s a lot of questioning and bargaining. The only way I can describe a low week is that overnight someone attached ankle and wrist weights with a lock and I can’t seem to find the keys. There’s this feeling that I know where the key is but I don’t have the energy to find it. So, the [very slow] race begins to find the culprit. Not that it will help, but it gives me a sense of reassurance that I am in control somehow. If I can only pinpoint exactly the thing that made the low week neutral or absolutely unbearable. It goes a little something like this…
Step 1: I go through every single thing I ate the past couple of days. Did something trigger my Hashis? Did I forget to take my supplements? Is it cold and my joints feel like they’re about to break?
No? Then…
Step 2: How many days until my period? Did I forget to take my meds to help mitigate my PMDD?
No? Then…
Step 3: Did something trigger my PTSD? Did I forget to feel my thoughts and I’ve shifted into ruminating mode?
Oh, it was a trigger that made this week feel like crap. Got it. Okay, moving on.
And that my friends, is what my brain feels like every single day. Well, on a low day.
It’s… exhausting.
On a low week, something as easy as skincare can feel like the most extenuating task.
But, somehow someway I always have the time and energy to water my plants.
I may not sleep and may not feel “good” but, my plants will.
I may not be productive and may not feel “great” all the time but my excitement isn’t lost and I love getting to work doing what I love.
When I’m watering my plants I also think of the small things I can do to tend to myself. Watering my kitchen plant becomes refilling my water bottle and turning on some music. Watering my living room plants becomes a moment where I can let the sunshine on my face… cause I might as well. I’m already there. Watering my bathroom plant reminds me that a hot shower can be exactly what I need to finish an editing project. My bedroom plants get the most love. Because on a very low day, I work from bed, I scroll in bed, I’ll even have breakfast in bed—my bed becomes my saving grace.
In the quiet moments of tending to my plants, I remember the many purposes that my acronym-riddled body is here for. It’s just waiting for a high-energy day to come back into the picture again.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that deep down, in the middle of all the rumination and questioning, our bodies can surprise us. There are still pockets of beauty and resilience to be found—with a little patience. And, if we let it, these complicated experiences that life throws our way will ultimately shape our purpose.
Because it’s not our fault that we feel the way we feel.
And, much like plants, we still deserve to be tended to.
If you, like me, struggle between high and low-energy days, I created a 7-Day Purposeful Content Creation Workshop that has a whole day dedicated to assessing what type of content will work best for your specific time and energy levels. I took some time during March and April to revamp the Workshop and I opened up a bunch of slots in May! You’ll notice an entire week of May is unavailable. ;) To account for what will most likely be my low week.
gentle nourishment
I’ve found that splaying out my body in the middle of the living room is exactly what I need after back-to-back meetings. There’s no method to this. I just watch the clouds moving for a solid couple of minutes and task myself with feeling my feelings instead of internalizing them. Sometimes I have a lot I want to say to myself afterward. So, I flip my body like a pancake and journal on the floor. There’s a little bit of magic in rediscovering autonomy. Chairs begone! [Momentarily]
worthy expenditures
If you’ve been on my deodorant journey you’ll know that last year alone I tried about 6 different ones and my favorite just had a recall because it appeared on a list with cancer-causing ingredients. Can we even live? Well, I caved to the marketing pressure and got one that was advertised on Instagram quite a bit. Oh, And if you’re wondering what the test is. It’s quite simple. Doesn’t give me a rash, doesn’t make me smell like trash after 8 hours. Billie deo to the rescue!
housekeeping of the heart
I just finished reading What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo and it made me feel so seen. There are entire chapters that describe exactly what my childhood was like. It’s one of those books that you know is going to destroy you and that it did.
Thanks for reading a gentler newsletter.
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