Addressing conflict with schools and teachers: Part 1--Simple ways to pre-empt problems
When humans care deeply about important things, conflict is inevitable. But you can head off a lot of problems later by taking some simple steps to build a positive alliance with your child's teacher.
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Resolving conflict and problems with schools and teachers
Well, the school year is getting ready to start in many places, and even those who will start after Labor Day, it’s coming fast.
Before school starts, I wanted to spend some time talking about productive ways to address problems or conflicts with teachers, administrators, or other parents.
I wanted to do it now because I am trying to talk about general principles, not specific situations.
Conflict is natural and inevitable, and not necessarily bad
Some disagreement or even conflict is natural in human relationships. It is natural and often inevitable.
The higher stakes something is, the easier it is to generate the conflict.
There is very little that is higher stakes for us parents than our child’s daily well-being and future growth.
Beyond that, what happens in a classroom is distant, something where we parents might see or feel the impact, but where we have very limited ability for direct action.
Thus, we shouldn’t be surprised when conflict arises, ranging from minor disagreements to major concerns.
Navigating these situations can be challenging, but understanding some key principles and employing effective tactics can greatly improve your chances of successful resolution. The good news is that the morally right thing to do is almost always the effective tactical choice as well. And, often this involves doing the same thing we might tell our children to do.
Working to pre-empt conflict by building an alliance with your child’s teacher
I would encourage you to start the year by trying to build an alliance with your child’s teachers. Your interests, after all, overlap here. You are the adults who will be investing the most time and effort into your child’s growth this year.
If you can build an alliance, you will help create a powerful positive dynamic that maximizes the likelihood of having all that time and all those efforts directed in a focused way.
A journey into a teacher’s world
Before I go into the specific strategies for resolving conflict, let me start by giving you some insight into teachers. Gaining insights into their perspective and grasping some fundamental aspects about a teacher’s life and mind will significantly improve your chances of having productive conversations and building this alliance. That, of course, will minimize the chance of problems later.
You might wonder, why bother? Aren't teachers supposed to be responsive to you? After all, it's their job, right?
Indeed, it is their job, but that gets us into tricky territory. The reason for that is simple, but important to understand.
Any teacher who does even a pretty good job is likely working outside their technical contractual obligations.
They have specific hours to work, but those hours rarely allow for all the necessary prep work that goes in before they can do actual teaching.
Because they are generally working beyond their contractual responsibilities, you want to be careful with setting those as the baseline. Almost certainly, you are going to want a little extra attention and help, both for your child and possibly yourself, so it is important to build a positive relationship that will make it easy for them to want to go above and beyond when needed.
It's crucial to recognize that teachers have multiple jobs and roles. These responsibilities sometimes conflict with each other, but even when they don’t, they juggle diverse responsibilities and a big cognitive/emotional load.
They also have many students and parents, so you want to stand out a bit in positive ways.
Simply understanding this will go a long way to helping you build that positive alliance.
Vinegar and honey
In any human relationship, you will almost always get far more of what you want when you use honey instead of vinegar, when you build relationships instead of simply giving directions.
Inspiring people to want to respond to you is always going to have a bigger impact than trying to demand it, and I believe this is especially true of teachers. With a little positive energy and effort, you can get very good results.
Of course, if there is something egregiously wrong, or your child is in danger that is a different situation.
The power of being understood
Think how wonderful it is when someone really understands you, really sees you–and appreciates you. That creates a powerful bond and a powerful sense of appreciation. You can use that principle to help create this bond with a teacher. And, again, considering all the time they will spend with your child, isn’t that a good investment?
An easy, powerful key to almost every teacher’s mind and heart
If you remember just one piece of advice for interacting with teachers and building an allied working relationship, make it this:
Teachers choose their profession despite knowing that financial rewards might be limited. They understand that demanding hours and challenges come with the territory.
The reason most teachers teach is because they have a deep, sincere desire to make a difference in someone's life, or they have a passion for a specific subject they want to share, or both.
Yes, there are some people who teach for no good reason. But to be honest, teaching is harder and harder to do. It’s not an easy profession, or a congenial one, for those who want to just tread water.
Given the reason{s) that someone goes into teaching, anything you can do to help them feel that they are making progress toward these goals creates a profound and powerful psychic reward for them. Being associated with this reward will great a reservoir of goodwill.
This does not require a lot of time or effort.
For instance, when teachers go above and beyond, acknowledge their efforts. Taking just 30 seconds to express your appreciation can go a long way.
For example, if you receive an email about something that was taught in class, or a special project, respond with enthusiasm and gratitude. If you can show a bit of eagerness to learn more, all the better.
Such simple acts cost you very little time or effort but can accumulate into a wealth of goodwill.
If a teacher does something well and if they make an impact, let them know. Send another email or a note. Teachers keep these tokens of gratitude for years, sometimes coming back to them again and again.
Be proactive and connect early
Try to connect with the teacher before a problem occurs. Make sure they can put a name with a face. Show up at parent nights or such events. If you can’t make it, send a quick email to introduce yourself and apologize.
If there is some volunteer opportunity that works for you, jump at the chance. This is a great way to build relationships.
These are really easy, but they go a very long way.
The next really important thing to understand is what it is like to actually teach.
Seeing what a teacher does
Have you ever had a situation where your kids are all clamoring for attention all at once? Multiply that by 20 or more, and then imagine doing that while you are trying to deliver instruction during a limited period.
The other thing to try to consider is this. Good teaching is a challenge to do well. It takes constant energy and focus–intense energy and focus. But that’s not the hardest part.
30 seconds in a teacher’s mind
The tricky thing is trying to teach while you are also paying attention to each child.
There’s a great video on Instagram that explains this. I had trouble embedding it, but you can see it at the link above. This teacher talks about the consistent variables—all the things that have to be attended to before the teaching starts.
Here’s a sample of about 30 seconds on any given day.
Someone’s not here–are they in the bathroom? At the nurse? Hiding? This child looks like they are alone. That child looks angry. Did they just have a fight? That child’s mother is undergoing chemo. That child’s dad just died.
Did I submit my attendance yet?
That kid just made a distracting jokey comment. Should you respond? Is it more important to shut it down, or will that just make it a bigger deal. Seems like that happens a lot lately–time to call the parents? Or just one more conversation with the student?
Those three are whispering and are totally off-task. Time to move the seating chart? Are they just a little excited about something today?
This child needs a tissue. That child left their laptop at home. This child didn’t do their homework again so they have no idea what you are talking about. That child was sick for a week–need to help them catch up. That child is not wearing deodorant and the other kids are staying as far away as possible. That child is asleep again–that travel hockey keeps them up so late. That child lost the book we’re reading….
To be clear, this is the job. I’m not saying teachers are entitled to some level of pity.
I am saying, however, that understanding what is happening every minute of a teacher’s day will help you understand that teacher–which will help you make them an ally.
You also need to recognize that teachers often work beyond their contractual obligations. Almost any teacher who does more than the bare minimum is likely going beyond the call of duty.
It is easy to say, “They never work at all–they are gone at 3:30 and have summers off.”
That is true-ish. But many teachers put in a great deal more time than this. But even when they don’t, they aren’t paid for much beyond those hours and it’s hard to expect people to consistently work for free.
There are a lot of reasons for this, some touching on complicated public policy issues, but for whatever reason, that is the present reality and working with it the way it is now will help you be more effective in building that alliance and hopefully heading problems off.
Next time, I’ll start talking about specific strategies and approaches when a problem does occur.
Until then, happy parenting—you’ve got this!
Best,
Braden
Thanks for the practical advice. So far we have gotten lucky on this front, but as the kids age, I am sure it is only a matter of time. Appreciate the perspectice!
But what do you do, if you go to a teacher and tell them about a horrible thing and then they do nothing!