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Anne Bancroft was 35 when she played Mrs Robinson in The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman was 29. (Image: Tina Tiller)
Anne Bancroft was 35 when she played Mrs Robinson in The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman was 29. (Image: Tina Tiller)

SocietyAugust 29, 2024

Help Me Hera: Am I too old for the apps?

Anne Bancroft was 35 when she played Mrs Robinson in The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman was 29. (Image: Tina Tiller)
Anne Bancroft was 35 when she played Mrs Robinson in The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman was 29. (Image: Tina Tiller)

Should I trust my Gen Z daughters’ dating advice, or stick with what I know?

Help Me Hera is brought to you by Bumble, the women-first dating app that started a movement by putting women in charge when dating.

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz


Hello,

Last year I separated from my ex-husband. Our separation was a long time coming, and we have two gorgeous daughters, both of whom are now at university. For the first year after the split I wasn’t interested in dating. I’ve joined a long-distance cycling club, and have been busy reconnecting with friends and family from around the world. I’m planning a trip to the UK to meet an old pen pal from Brighton next year, and I’ve even taken up beekeeping in my small inner-city backyard.

My life feels full and rich. But recently I’ve been thinking about trying to dip my feet back into the dating pool. I’m not looking to get married or start cohabiting again – I enjoy my independence too much and am not looking to be anyone’s caretaker. But it would be nice to meet a few new people, either for friendship or romance. My daughters have encouraged me to sign up for the dating apps, but I’m in my 50s now, and I’m worried their advice won’t translate well to someone my age. Are my daughters right, or should I stick to the classifieds? 

Thanks,

(Maybe) Looking for Love

a line of dice with blue dots

Dear Maybe,

Your letter reminded me of an old Norse prayer. What you lose in husbands, may you regain a thousand-fold in bees!

Congratulations on getting your life back! It must feel wild to be newly single and have all this time to yourself after years of raising teenagers. I have to admit that I’m slightly more interested in the beekeeping aspect of your question than the online dating part. How many bees do you keep? I’m fascinated. 

You’ve been living so well I almost don’t dare give you advice. But you’re certainly not too old for the apps! I know people of all ages who have found romance, or at minimum, have had a fascinating sociological experience using them. Besides, I think it’s worth trying almost anything once, in the spirit of adventure. And you strike me as an adventurous person.

When it comes to online dating, I think it’s best to go in with your expectations low and your spirits high. I’m sure there are a depressing amount of recently divorced elderly men, casting around for someone to make them corned beef dinners for the rest of their natural lives, but I’m sure there are also lots of fascinating and eligible bachelors out there. 

I think you should deputise your daughters and get them to help you build a profile. But if that’s a little too Gilmore Girls, here is my admittedly scant advice:

When it comes to which app to use, there are a few to choose from. Most people will be using Hinge, Bumble or Tinder. There are plenty of other alternatives, most of which have dubious names like kiwiconnectionz, but when it comes to online dating it’s best to go where the numbers are. Reliable sources have informed me that although the ages for these apps predictably skew younger, there is a broad demographic of users. Part of building a profile involves selecting your age criteria, so you won’t see an endless parade of 20-somethings, unless of course, you’re into the whole Dustin Hoffman thing. The only notable difference between the apps is that with Bumble, only the woman can initiate conversation, which is great if you’re a proactive sort of person. But there’s nothing stopping you from signing up for all three, and seeing which one yields the best results. 

The most important thing is creating a great profile. Choose a couple of flattering recent pictures that represent you well, and showcase your bees to their best advantage. Make sure you don’t choose group photos, unless your other pictures make it clear which member of the group you are. It often helps to have a second pair of eyes, so my advice is to get your daughters to help you pick! On your profile, be upfront about the kind of relationship you’re looking for, and go maximalist when it comes to listing hobbies and interests. It’s much easier to strike up a conversation with someone if you know you both have a shared interest in calligraphy and the films of Ken Loach. 

Like a good international jewel heist, when it comes to dating apps, the important thing is to get in and out. What you don’t want is to end up having lots of long, meandering conversations that slowly fizzle out. It’s better to try and meet up immediately, and then you can quickly gauge if there’s any potential for a friendship or a romance. It’s also a good way to know you aren’t being catfished. It goes without saying, but there’s the occasional romance scammer out there, so don’t give anyone a cent, even if that person claims to be John Travolta looking for a small loan to see him through until his next Hollywood payday. 

Other than that, the easiest way to see if online dating is for you, is just to dive straight in. Even if you don’t find your perfect match online you’ll probably have an interesting time, and if that isn’t the point of life, I don’t know what is. 

There are as many ways to meet people as there are people in the world. If the apps don’t suit you, and you would prefer to pursue a connection on a local beekeeping forum or a cycling group, there’s no shame in deleting the apps and moving on.

Good luck! I hope you find your wickerman/wickerperson. 

Keep going!
Selena Anderson runs horse treks and riding lessons at Ahipara. (All photos supplied)
Selena Anderson runs horse treks and riding lessons at Ahipara. (All photos supplied)

SocietyAugust 28, 2024

Dream job or idle fantasy? What it’s like running horse treks in the Far North

Selena Anderson runs horse treks and riding lessons at Ahipara. (All photos supplied)
Selena Anderson runs horse treks and riding lessons at Ahipara. (All photos supplied)

Selena Anderson from Ahipara Horse Treks seems to have a perfect job. But what’s it like behind the scenes? 

Standing on my dad’s deck on the beachfront of Te-Oneroa-a-Tōhē (Ninety Mile Beach), I’m greeted by a majestic scene. A solemn string of horses treks in unison along the sand, backlit by the descending sun. The riders are bareback, serene. The procession loops from the ocean’s edge to the estuary in front of my dad’s house, the water surface lightly rippling with the pounding of hooves. 

I should move here, I think, the least equine a person can be. Become a horseriding instructor.

Horseriding on 90 Mile Beach.

Selena Anderson, on the other hand, is the most equine a person can be. She runs Ahipara Horse Treks and teaches horseback riding as a full-time job. What is her life like? I wonder during the short car ride up the road to interview her. It must be… perfect?

“Having horses is tough,” Anderson says when I arrive at the trek’s home base on Foreshore Road in Ahipara. We’re surrounded by chatty children and sedate ponies munching grass. “It’s hard in winter – you’re out there still feeding in the rain and the mud. The animal always comes first.” 

Selena Anderson, in her natural habitat.

My image of the dream life barely dented, I push her to frontload more cons. “There’s always obstacles with horses,” she continues. “One might get injured – there’s always something.” She contends with strict health and safety regulations, eye-watering vet bills, and customers with dangerously inflated ideas about their own riding skills. 

Then the kicker: “There’s no money in horses,” Anderson says with a wry smile. “You won’t get rich off it.” 

Money or not, Anderson’s career was practically preordained. As a budding entrepreneur growing up on Waiheke Island, she offered pony rides along the beach in exchange for fish-and-chip money. She attended an equestrian academy during her final two years of high school before teaching and riding in the US for three months, then met her partner on a horse trek across Aotearoa.

Since 2019, she’s lived with him in Ahipara, running beach treks and teaching people – mostly kids, up to 30 a week – how to ride. 

Horseriding students on the beach.

Most of the kids start as absolute beginners and Anderson has them riding bareback and jumping within a couple of years. Her youngest pupil is five. The horses have to be bombproof, Anderson says: on the beach they contend with parents pushing prams, dogs off leads, kites, Blokarts, and in the greatest nerve test of all, motorcyclists “showing off” by doing doughnuts around the horses. 

The unflappable nature of Anderson’s 29 horses is even more remarkable considering most of them are wild animals she’s broken in herself. The secret? “Time,” Anderson says, “and getting them used to everything.” 

Anderson’s students go from beginners to jumping in a couple of years.

I ask about the best part of the job. I’m imagining my own answer already: the seaside scenes, the serenity, the wholesale escape from the rat race. No boss, no Auckland drivers, no passive-aggressive email sign-offs. 

“Horses,” she replies. 

Horseriding around the reef.

I’m surprised when Anderson tells me she occasionally pines for a life like mine. “Sometimes when it’s super hot or crappy weather,” she says, “I wish I had an office job.” 

Ahhhhh, the old “grass is greener” trick. It gets us every time. After 20 minutes of chatting with Anderson, ponies nickering around us, I know she wouldn’t last a day in an office. It’s clear her fleeting fantasy about swapping horses for emails is as idle as my own reserve daydream. I couldn’t fit a bridle with a gun to my head. 

I ponder the fickle nature of desire while Anderson chats about the Trek for Life, yet another equine activity she’s organising (Trek for Life is an annual week-long horse trek across remote New Zealand regions to raise money for first response and rescue services). When Anderson pauses, I ask what she does in her spare time. The answer hangs in the air for a split second, so obvious we both start giggling.

“Guess what,” she says, with cheerful irony. “I go horseriding.” 

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Gabi Lardies
— Staff writer
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