A lot of people complain about dating apps. One common complain amongst women is that they get a bunch of guys who barely look at their profiles. That totally happens, and I can see how it feels bad.

But I don’t think this problem is as ubiquitous as women think it is. Lots of men send thoughtful comments and read profiles carefully. I know because I’m one of them. And tons of my thoughtful comments go unanswered even after we match (see below). That’s totally fine! But if it were really true that women are so starved for thoughtful communication from men, I wouldn’t have a graveyard of unanswered messages from people who have already matched with me**.

Of course, individual people’s experiences can differ, and maybe for some women it’s true they get near zero thoughtful engagement. But I just don’t think as a general matter it’s as big of a problem as people sometimes think.

My hot take for women who hate the apps: Go to a bar and ask guys out IRL, even if you’re shy. Guys are MUCH more likely to say yes than women. Just be clear it’s not for a hook up (unless that’s what you want).

**Many women also do respond, so I do think thoughtful comms is helpful. And there are tons of reasons why women might not respond, this is in no way to suggest that they’re doing anything wrong. It’s just to say my first message response rate I think would be higher if I was the rare guy sending thoughtful messages.