Since I am old and no longer care about my reputation, I will make this story public. It’s 2014. Cambridge, Massachusetts. Walking with my then toddler near a Whole Foods. Toddler gets fascinated by a dog, so of course I start talking to the owners. “This is my son,” I say. “This is our son!” they say, about the dog.

I was going through a very rough time in my life, so my censor circuit drops out completely (this was not uncommon around that time) and I say: “Well, I’m 72 hours without food away from feeding your dog to my son, but if you feel the same way then you’d be evil, so no.”

To be honest, I don’t remember if they said anything back and I moved out of Massachusetts in December. I never saw them again.

By the way, I really want a stupid hairy dog these days. Because it will be a dog that does dog-like things, not a little human, and not because I’m too much of an asshole to have kids.