By the time December ends and I’ve had my fill of holiday indulgences, I am always so ready for the new year and the resolutions that come with it. In fact, some would call me a resolutions junkie. I’m addicted to trying out new things and attempting to better myself. So I make about one zillion goals for every different aspect of my life, and dive right into them like an excited puppy.
This year I planned to pack lunch every day, work out five times a week, do a dry January, go on two dates a month, stop using exclamation points in emails…and so, so, so many more things. The energizing new year vibes helped me accomplish some of these objectives for a little while, but as soon as my long work days and personal commitments started to take their usual toll, my enthusiasm waned—and so went my ambitions with it.
Then came the guilt. Not the big kind of guilt that you feel when you lie to someone or steal your roommate’s yogurt from the fridge (sorry, Tayi!). No, it was just that little guilty twang, the one that sneaks up when you eat more than you mean to, sleep in later than you want to—or, in this case, give up on a handful of your New Year’s resolutions.
Some of my goals weren’t exactly realistic from the get-go. (Two dates a month? Please, I’m a busy lady.) I didn’t feel quite so terrible about letting these go. No, it was with the healthy eating, money-saving, fitness-related, be-an-all-around-better-human goals that wound up causing me the most guilt.
Setting goals is fun, but following through on them is hard. And when it becomes clear that I can no longer stick to a resolution, I backslide and end up several steps further from my goal than I was when I started. The guilt haunted me so much that if I missed a day at the gym or forgot to pack my lunch, I became so discouraged that I’d usually end up skipping another workout or splurging on a $13 salad from Sweetgreen.
But I shouldn’t feel guilty, experts told me. “Guilt never helps move us forward,” Susan Albers, Psy.D, author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, tells me, adding that there are many reasons why a resolution might not pan out. If it doesn’t, the best thing to do is try to understand why it didn’t work and search for ways to make it more attainable.
“Sometimes we need to refocus and readjust the goal because it’s unrealistic or out of reach,” Albers explains. “How can you reset that goal to make it within reach?” Maybe you need to set the bar lower, or give yourself more time to achieve your target. So instead of forcing myself to work out five days in a row, to the point that I'm so exhausted I never want to step foot into a gym again, I should give myself a rest day every two days to keep from getting burnt out.
If these terms describe any or most of your goals, you didn’t have much of a shot at accomplishing them in the first place, Edwina Clark, M.S., R.D., C.S.S.D., and head of nutrition and wellness at Yummly, tells SELF. Sure, exercising every day seems like something you can do when you’ve got that new year motivation fueling you, but when real life kicks in and you get sick or tired, odds are you’re going to miss a day or two. Though this may seem obvious now, when you’re caught up in feverish resolution making, it’s something that’s easy to forget.
That’s why, with any kind of goal making, Albers always prescribes a bit of flexibility. Don’t let missing one day at the gym put you back at square one. “Sometimes having a rigid goal isn’t as good as having a range,” she explains, “because that range is what’s going to help you maintain your goals.”
Alissa Rumsey, M.S., R.D., spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, prescribes the 80/20 philosophy: Practice healthy habits 80 percent of the time, and leave the remaining 20 percent for activities that aren’t necessarily related to your goals.
So you want to try running, because you think it could be something you like, but you’ve never really done it before. If you make it your resolution to run all the time, sure, you might end up loving it, but you also might end up hating it. And if the latter is true, odds are the habit isn’t going to stick for much longer than a couple weeks, Albers tells SELF. If you set this goal with the intention of getting fit or healthier, and it’s just a means to an end rather than something new you want to try, you’ll likely have better success if you instead choose an exercise routine that you already know you like. Don’t try to dive into something completely new, she advises. Instead build on a good habit that you already have.
For example, this year I resolved to keep track of how much waste I create on a daily basis. Though it was definitely a nice idea, this was something I'd never even remotely attempted before, and for that reason I was only able to stick to it for less than a day. Since creating less waste was the overall desired outcome of my goal, I should have instead committed to something a little more chewable, like switching to reusable coffee mugs instead of buying a new paper cup every day.
Of course, that's not to say that attempting something like a waste journal isn't worthwhile. But if you do want to dive into a large, new project like that, it's best to try it out in small doses. Give yourself a short-term goal that serves as a trial period. That way if you don’t like it and end up quitting after a week, it’s no big deal because you only intended to do it for a week in the first place.
All of the experts I spoke with agree that there is such a thing as too many New Year’s resolutions. The more goals you set in the beginning, the more opportunities you have to quit them. And, if you are like me, the more guilty you are likely to feel.
What they prescribe is three to four goals max, one for each different aspect of your life. That could mean one goal related to working out or becoming more physically active, one goal related to your job, and one goal related to personal interests like reading or cooking. Any more and you’re likely to wind up feeling overwhelmed. You are only one person after all.
One benefit of this approach is that the fewer goals you set, the more time you can spend focusing on them. So if you, like me, have now let go of a few of your original resolutions (because, let’s be real, I definitely set way too many in the first place), don’t feel guilty for having given up on them. Feel good for having done them at all.
Since I’m a self-admitted resolutions junkie, of course I revised my resolutions after talking with these experts. Here’s what my list looks like now:
- Meal prep at least one thing every Sunday.
- Go to the gym two to five times a week.
- Invest in a reusable coffee cup.
Per the experts' recommendations, my new goals are flexible, simple, and easy to accomplish. Will I meet them? Hopefully! But if for some reason I don't end up making it to gym more than twice in a week, or I only have time to cook a batch of hard-boiled eggs on Sunday, I definitely won't feel like I've failed.
