The Free Press
“Sex must be taken seriously,” argues Louise Perry in the introduction of her upcoming book, A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century. A good old-fashioned feminist, Louise believes that casual sex is not, by and large, good for women; she made that case in The Free Press’s first-ever live debate, and in her explosive debut book, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution.
Her follow-up, out March 10, is “the young adult adaptation” of the earlier book’s argument. In it, Louise takes apart the assumptions of liberal, “sex-positive” feminism, which have been absorbed by so many young Americans. She comes to radical yet sensible conclusions, like: Not all desires should be acted on. Sex is better when you’re committed to your partner. Hookup culture is popular with men—but that doesn’t mean women have to participate in it.
Louise joined Bari on Honestly recently, to explain exactly how the sexual revolution has benefited men at the expense of women. You can listen to their conversation below, watch the video recording here—or scroll down to read an exclusive excerpt of Louise’s book.
Hookup culture benefits some men, at the expense of most women.
That’s because male sexuality and female sexuality, at a population level, do not match. On average, men want casual sex more often than women do, and women want committed monogamy more often than men do. Hookup culture therefore demands that women suppress their natural instincts in order to meet the male demand for no-strings-attached sex. Some women are quite happy to do this, but most women find it unpleasant, or even distressing. This is unfair, particularly given that sex carries so many more risks for women, who might end up with an unwanted pregnancy, or being slut-shamed, or even being assaulted.
But even though hookup culture is a terrible deal for women, it is often presented by liberal feminism as a form of empowerment. Progressive media outlets churn out articles such as “5 Fantastic Ways to Engage in Feminist Hookup Culture,” which argues that “we need to respect that people should make their own decisions about their bodies and their sex lives.” But this approach overstates the extent to which anyone can make truly free choices in a system that is stacked against them.
In a darkly funny article published in 2019, Elle magazine wrestled with some of the problems thrown up by hookup culture without acknowledging the basic problem. Rather than recognize the sexual differences between men and women, the writers instead attempt to carve out a new category, “demisexuals.” They defined it as “a select few members of society” who just aren’t enthused about casual sex—because they only feel attracted to people once they’ve gotten to know them.
In 2016, Washington Post writer Meryl Williams, after struggling to identify with her sexuality for years, came across the term demisexuality on Twitter and found that it helped her come to terms with her own sexual orientation. “I’m just glad that a term for my sexuality exists, even if it’s one I’ll probably have to explain to my future partners,” she wrote. What Williams is describing here is typical female sexuality. She isn’t special, she’s a normal woman who has just enough emotional insight to recognize that hookup culture isn’t good for her, but is lacking the political insight to recognize that the problem is hookup culture, not her.
But there is an even more depressing kind of pop-feminist article. The kind that advises women to overcome their perfectly normal and healthy desire for intimacy and commitment in sexual relationships. They have titles like “How to Bio-Hack Your Brain to Have Sex Without Getting Emotionally Attached.” They advise women, for instance, to avoid making eye contact with their partners during sex, in an effort to avoid “making an intimate connection.” Readers are also advised to avoid alcohol, since for women—but, tellingly, not men—this seems to increase “the likelihood they will bond prematurely.”
But why should we accept a sexual culture that puts pressure on people who don’t particularly want casual sex, just to satisfy the demands of people who do? In my view, a truly feminist project would demand that, in the straight dating world, it should be men, not women, who adjust their sexual appetites. If that seems unfair, then I’d also add: Unwanted sex is worse than sexual frustration.
In 2016, Leah Fessler wrote an article titled “A Lot of Women Don’t Enjoy Hookup Culture—So Why Do We Force Ourselves to Participate?” A student at Middlebury College in Vermont, she’d noticed that hookup culture reigned among her peers, and that if you wanted any kind of sex life, you had to take part in it. She even convinced herself that emotionless sex was the feminist thing to do—and did her best to ignore her unhappiness.
After I began having sex with these guys, the power balance always tipped. A few hookups in, I’d begin to obsess, primarily about the ambiguity of it all. My friends and I would analyze incessantly: Does he like me? Do you like him? He hasn’t texted in a day. Read this text. I’m so confused. He said he didn’t want anything, but keeps asking to hang out. . . . With time, inevitably, came attachment. And with attachment came shame, anxiety, and emptiness.
The worst thing for women at Middlebury, Fessler argued, were the “pseudo-relationships,” which she called “the mutant children of meaningless sex and loving partnerships”:
Two students consistently hook up with one another—and typically, only each other—for weeks, months, even years. Yet per unspoken social code, neither party is permitted emotional involvement, commitment, or vulnerability. To call them exclusive would be “clingy,” or even “crazy.”
Fessler and her female friends would admit to each other that what they really wanted was public recognition of a relationship: an arm around the waist, or “a hand held in daylight.” In the end, Fessler was so interested in this conundrum that she wrote her senior-year thesis on her college’s hookup culture. Of the straight women who participated in her research, the vast majority had a clear preference for committed relationships: Only 8 percent of women who said they were presently in pseudo-relationships reported being “happy” with their situation. Other studies consistently find the same thing: Following hookups, women are more likely than men to experience regret, low self-esteem, and mental distress.
And, most of the time, they don’t even orgasm. Female pleasure is rare during casual sex. In first-time hookups, a survey of college students found, only 11 percent of women orgasm, compared to 67 percent of women in long-term relationships.
So, the evidence doesn’t suggest that today’s young women are reveling in sexual liberation. Instead, it suggests that a lot of women are having unpleasant, crappy sex out of a sense of obligation. And to add insult to injury, this doesn’t actually increase women’s value in the eyes of men.
People may be reluctant to actually say so outright, but the truth is: Whereas promiscuity in men is generally viewed neutrally, a woman’s reputation is damaged as her number of sexual partners increases. When looking for a long-term partner, anonymous surveys suggest, the vast majority of straight men prefer a wife with a limited sexual history and little interest in casual sex. Women also prefer a husband who is not unusually promiscuous, but their preference is not as strong. Most are willing to accept a man who has historically enjoyed casual sex but has since settled down.
Importantly, however, men generally don’t mind a more extensive sexual history when they’re looking for a hookup. Then, in fact, promiscuity may increase a woman’s appeal.
Sherry Argov, best-selling dating advice author, puts it frankly in Why Men Love Bitches:
What men don’t want women to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into one of two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile.” And the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’ll almost never come back out.
Just like their female peers, men may not consciously realize that they are perpetuating a toxic sexual culture. And, in one sense, who can blame them? Teenage boys are raised on pop culture that presents having sex “like a man” as the ultimate form of female sexual empowerment. In the porn they are typically exposed to from childhood, women are shown begging men for painful or degrading sex acts. When young men start having sex offline, they will likely encounter women—themselves schooled by porn and pop culture—who hide their distress, fake their orgasms, and work hard to avoid “catching feelings.” We should hardly be surprised when, after all this, many men assume that women really don’t mind being relegated to “good time only.”
The resulting dysfunction can be glimpsed in posts like this, on the r/relationships subreddit:
I was hanging out with my friends with benefits on Thursday after work. We been hooking up for six months. I was heating us up some food and she started asking about what I look for in a long-term girlfriend.
I told her that I want someone successful, and someone that I think would make a good mom. She starts then talking about how she has those qualities and I see how this conversation is going so I change the topic.
She brings it up and starts asking me what should she focus on to be the kind of girl guys want to marry one day. I told her she is fine the way she is, she just needs to find the right guy. She asked me why I don’t want to date her down the road when I am looking for something.
I told her that she is great, but she isn’t really girlfriend material in my eyes. She started crying like crazy after that. I don’t know what was going on, we never had a thing, she never talked about having feelings or anything.
This man seems to be genuinely bewildered by the fact that the woman he has been having sex with for many months is unhappy. And the woman seems to have drifted into this arrangement, not realizing how little regard her partner really has for her. This is a tragedy of mutual incomprehension.
Here’s what I want to remind women who are in the dating pool: The fact that a man wants to have sex with you is not an indication that he wants a relationship with you. Holding off on having sex for at least the first few months of a relationship is therefore a good strategy. It filters out the men who are just looking for a hookup. It gives a woman time to get to know a man before putting herself in a position of vulnerability. Also, avoiding the emotional attachment that comes with a sexual relationship makes it easier to spot red flags: Free from the befuddling effects of hormones, it’s possible to assess a new boyfriend’s behavior with clearer eyes.
This might be difficult advice for some women to follow—partly because of the gender gap in the personality trait that psychologists call “agreeableness.” Agreeable people are more likely to put their own interests last, and more likely to think the best of people. And it has long been known by researchers that, on average, women are much more agreeable than men.
If you want to know how agreeable you are, try the Big Five personality test—it’s a useful thing to know about yourself, because it can help to guide your behavior. I’m a very agreeable person, which means, for instance, that I tend to avoid interpersonal conflict, and I’m terrible at negotiating pay. But because I know this about myself, I make a conscious effort to be more assertive. Agreeable people are particularly vulnerable to being taken advantage of by disagreeable people. And given that women are, on average, significantly more agreeable than men are, this has obvious relevance to sexual politics.
So, my advice to agreeable women assessing potential partners is not to ask yourself, “Would this man make a good boyfriend for me?” Doing so risks allowing your niceness to override your good sense. Ask yourself instead, “Would this man make a good father to my children?” Not because you necessarily intend to have children with this man, but because agreeable people find it easier to prioritize the interests of people they love—such as their children—than to prioritize their own interests. And if he wouldn’t make a good father, don’t have sex with him. It means he isn’t worthy of your trust.
Whatever liberal feminism tells us, we will never be able to have sex like men, because we will never be men, despite technologies like modern contraception giving us the illusion that we can have consequence-free sex. We can either accept that fact and act accordingly, or we can maintain the status quo, which just results in lots of young women getting badly hurt. I’d love to live in a world in which women can do whatever they want, without fear of what men might do to them. But we don’t live in that world. So we have to accept, and adapt to, reality.
This is an excerpt adapted from A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century: The Young Adult Adaptation of ‘The Case Against the Sexual Revolution’ by Louise Perry, publishing March 2025 with Polity. Copyright © Louise Perry 2025.
For a different view, read Kat Rosenfield’s piece, “Stop Saying Dating Is Terrible,” in which she argues that we’re scaring a generation of young people off the hunt for true love.
